The Men I Love

Every now and again, when some man of our acquaintance does something really silly, perverse or just generally annoying, Mary and I will sit down and list all over again, by name, the men we love and why we love them. It's a relief to know these guys are out there, especially when we have had far too much exposure to the old cranks who pontificate as if we actually cared what they're pontificating about. Or when we have witnessed another Runner -- and they're usually hit-and-runs, or drive-by's -- doing gratuitous damage to a dear woman friend because of his own lack of courage. Or when we have searched in vain for the slightest glimmer of irony in a guy who is trying much too hard to learn how, with intense and fervent study, to relate to women; they seem to think that their earnestness and good intentions alone will do the trick -- an A for effort kind of thing.

In our combined 100 plus years of roaming the world, meeting hundreds, probably thousands, of men, it is a little disheartening to think that we can come up with only eighteen or so that we love and love to be around, that love us back, that have a sense of humor that is never mean or defensive. More disheartening in fact is that nearly a third of them are gay and all the rest are married, and not married to either of us.

(Sometimes when we do this exercise it's because we're exhausted from taking care of ourselves and find ourselves wishing fervently that A Man will just come along, marry one of us and DEAL WITH whatever issue has been wearing us down. Then we start thinking about being married, and what kind of a man we'd want to have around ALL THE TIME, come back to our darlings, remember that they're gay or married to someone else. Then we just get back on the horse and continue to take care of ourselves and each other. Thank God I'm not a stranger to power tools....)

One of the men we love, a family therapist, once related how he was reduced to teaching the husband of a couple in counseling what a feeling was, how to know when you're having one, and what to do with it once you've identified it. He said he'd never had that problem with women, that women from birth know all about feelings, and while they occasionally (often?) respond to them inappropriately, they can Get It when it's pointed out.

So, here's our list. I wanted to write it down to have it handy for reference, and for augmentation in the event that another man shows up that fills the bill. Oh, what does filling the bill mean? I guess I should point out our criteria. Besides a good and generous sense of humor, as I said above, he can't be afraid of either of us, which means he has a good sense of himself and a clear idea of how silly we can all be at one time or another. He needs to like hugging. He really needs to believe that Mary's a genius and that I'm funny, because a) it's true, and b) each of us needs to have some validation occasionally. He has to have a point to his life, some kind of expression of who he is to himself and to the world. He has to be able to resist taking things personally, to ignore and/or get past everyday slights. A little bit of self-deprecation doesn't hurt. He has to know when to try to fix something, and when to just leave it the hell alone to work itself out. He has to hold his ground when things get dark and scary for him or for someone he loves. He needs to listen readily, and keep asking questions until he really understands.

Here they are, the men we love, in no particular order: Jon Girvetz, Chuck Place, Keith Fox, Charlie Hawkins, Marco Place, Dann Fink, Loren Jacobson, Dennis Fregger, David Harrison, Patrick Hagan, Ben Bachmann, Jack Martin, Clarke Weigle, Tom Rescigno, David Cox, Matt Broadbent, Chuck Noland, Stanley Williamson.

Now that I look at it, that's not such a short list after all. These are wonderful people, and anybody who knows any of them is lucky beyond measure. Especially me. Thanks, my darlings, for being part of my life.

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