Push has come to Shove

Okay, it's time to deliver the coup de grace to the Great River Journal; the only question is how to do it. I could just send all my faithful subscribers a post card saying it's over, maybe returning their subscription money if it's come in since the summer issue. That would pretty much strip the bank account, and I'd have to scramble to pay the rest of Adam's fee for doing such a good job on the web page. (Quite rightly, he hasn't mounted it, and won't until he's paid in full. Once it's up, however, it will be there for a while -- the legacy of the hard work and occasional flashes of genius generated during the GRJ's brief span.) Or, I could keep the subscription money, since I deposited it in good faith. I've been told that $10.00 or even $17.50 isn't much to a subscriber, they wouldn't care and the loss wouldn't harm them as much as returning several times that sum would do to the GRJ bank account.

I could turn out one more issue, announcing the demise in the editorial, and filling the present glaring deficiency in submitted material with some old, previously published stuff that I really like. I did promise one person that I would publish her article this time; she made a huge scene when for time constraints it was not published last winter; she called me up late at night (after fortifying herself with a certain amount of liquor) and shrieked at me for 10 minutes. In the half year since then I have stayed angry, not speaking to her unless cornered; in truth that phone call was one solid reason I want out of this -- I do not enjoy, nor even do I wish to tolerate, being blasted for editorial decisions. Customer service is not where my vocation lies, and to have to be nice in the midst one of those contretemps is inimical to my nature. ANYWAY, if I don't publish and include that damned article, I'll have to reopen the whole subject with the crank and I am loathe to do it.

Hell, I am so cross with the whole subject that I am loathe even to address it; I don't WANT to do ANYTHING more with it. But I am honor-bound to take it on one more time and not be half-assed about it, or else notify subscribers of the truth of it and let it go. I'm trying to think how relieved I'll be having put down the burden, and how proud I'll be that I didn't just abandon it. So far it's not helping me get going.

Plus, Mary is busy beyond belief, and doesn't have much time to help. I groan audibly when I think of doing it alone. Like this: GGGGHHHHHAAHHH.